I'd Rather Have Coffee

6:30 am
After waking up childebeasts, I have fallen asleep (sitting up in bed) after being up all night due to back pain.

#1: Being played by middle son, the one who just turned 13 earlier this week.
#2: Played by the Princess, my 9 year old daughter.
Queen: Er...umm...I'll be playing myself.

Queen: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
#1: Mom! MOM! MOOOOOMMMMMM!!! (Screaming like a girl)
Queen: Huh? What? (Thinking house is on fire while in sleep stupor)
Queen: (Walks to top of stairs, dreading what I'll find after hearing that scream) What? What's wrong? (#2 is right on my heels)
#1: MOM! Squeak is HUMPING Noodles.
Queen: (Caught totally off-guard) What???
#1: Mom, Squeak is HUMPING Noodles.

(Cat moans/screeches)
Queen: What?? What's going on down there?? (Beginning to descend stairs)
#1: Mom, HURRY!! Get Squeak OFF Noodles!
Queen: (Hits bottom stair just in time to see one cat mounting the other) What the...???
#1: Mom, they are HUMPING.
(#2 is following Queen downstairs, but literally stops in her tracks as she reaches the bottom stair)
Queen: Oh my gosh...#1, what do we do?? (Why do I seek advice from my children in times like this??)
#1: We have to get them apart. MOM!! HELP!! They...are...HUMPING.
(Note: He keeps repeating the word "humping" - saying it really loudly - with a sort of staccato effect.)
Queen: Well, I don't know what to do!! Help me! (Looks more closely at very unmodest cats) I'm not pulling him off! YOU do it!
#1: I'm not touching them...Mom, get them apart.
(More cat moaning/screeching)
Queen: Squeakers! Come here RIGHT NOW Squeak!! She's your SISTER! Oh my word. What are you DOING? SQUEAK!!
#1: That isn't working, Mom - Pull him off!!
Queen: No! You do it!
#1: NO! You're the Mom!!
Queen: But I'm not a vet! I don't know what to do! SQUEAK!! Get OFF your SISTER!!
#1: Yeah, Squeak! Quit HUMPING your sister!
Queen: (Approaches cats carefully, wishing I was anywhere but here) #1, I'm going to pull him backwards - then you grab Noodles and take her upstairs, ok?
#1: Ok, but HURRY! They are HUMPING!!
Queen: I know that. Get ready! (Queen hesitantly touches Squeak while saying...) Come on, Squeak! Help me out here - GET OFF!! (pause for a few seconds) OH NO!! (Queen does whole body shake) I can see his...
#1: His what???
Queen: Just HELP ME! (Not knowing what else to do, begins running at Squeak)
#1: Ok, good! They aren't HUMPING anymore!!
Queen: Well GRAB Noodles!! Squeak, stay there!! Leave her ALONE!!
#1: I don't want to touch Noodles - she was just HUMPED!!
Queen: Suck it up - take her upstairs. NOW!
#1: NO!!!
Queen: Man up, #1! Do you want him to do that to her again?? I! DO! NOT! WANT! MORE! KITTENS!!
#1: Why not?
Queen: Just take Noodles upstairs! (While glaring at #1 for even asking that question)

Cats are separated by my bedroom door. Things finally quiet down.

#2: (Ten minutes later, she's been totally silent. While eating Fruity Pebbles...) Mom, what's HUMPING??


7 Royal Responses:

Chickenista said...

LMAO!!! Too Funny... I swear it was like a damn movie playing in my head. I had to have that"talk" way too early with my kids when they caught our pigs together.. OMG, it was soo uncomfortable!

Glad all is calm now. LOL♥

Miriam - Silver Sachet said...

Aaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!!!! OMG, that's hysterical :) Poor Noodles!!

Anonymous said...
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Julia DeGraf said...

HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that was awesome. "They are HUMPING!" Oh, my god.

Sandy said...

It's Friday, that always gives us hope and keeps us from wanting to shot someone, or something. lol
Finishing up my coffee now; but there's still some in the pot...shall I pour you a cup? :-D

Margo said...

the younger princesses always end up knowing so much. Thanks for giving me a good laugh today. So what did you say?

One Creative Queen said...

Actually, I blinked several times, gulped really hard, and slowly turned around...before saying..."Hurry! You're going to be late for the bus!!" lol (What could I say??)

And yes, Sandy - please pour me a cup. I needed a little coffee with my tequilla that morning! :)


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