After waking up childebeasts, I have fallen asleep (sitting up in bed) after being up all night due to back pain.
#1: Being played by middle son, the one who just turned 13 earlier this week.
#2: Played by the Princess, my 9 year old daughter.
Queen: Er...umm...I'll be playing myself.
#1: Mom! MOM! MOOOOOMMMMMM!!! (Screaming like a girl)
Queen: Huh? What? (Thinking house is on fire while in sleep stupor)
#1: OH MY GOSH!! MOOOMM!!! COME HEEERRREEE!!
Queen: (Walks to top of stairs, dreading what I'll find after hearing that scream) What? What's wrong? (#2 is right on my heels)
#1: MOM! Squeak is HUMPING Noodles.
Queen: (Caught totally off-guard) What???
#1: Mom, Squeak is HUMPING Noodles.
Queen: What?? What's going on down there?? (Beginning to descend stairs)
#1: Mom, HURRY!! Get Squeak OFF Noodles!
Queen: (Hits bottom stair just in time to see one cat mounting the other) What the...???
#1: Mom, they are HUMPING.
(#2 is following Queen downstairs, but literally stops in her tracks as she reaches the bottom stair)
Queen: Oh my gosh...#1, what do we do?? (Why do I seek advice from my children in times like this??)
#1: We have to get them apart. MOM!! HELP!! They...are...HUMPING.
(Note: He keeps repeating the word "humping" - saying it really loudly - with a sort of staccato effect.)
Queen: Well, I don't know what to do!! Help me! (Looks more closely at very unmodest cats) I'm not pulling him off! YOU do it!
#1: I'm not touching them...Mom, get them apart.
(More cat moaning/screeching)
Queen: Squeakers! Come here RIGHT NOW Squeak!! She's your SISTER! Oh my word. What are you DOING? SQUEAK!!
#1: That isn't working, Mom - Pull him off!!
Queen: No! You do it!
#1: NO! You're the Mom!!
Queen: But I'm not a vet! I don't know what to do! SQUEAK!! Get OFF your SISTER!!
#1: Yeah, Squeak! Quit HUMPING your sister!
Queen: (Approaches cats carefully, wishing I was anywhere but here) #1, I'm going to pull him backwards - then you grab Noodles and take her upstairs, ok?
#1: Ok, but HURRY! They are HUMPING!!
Queen: I know that. Get ready! (Queen hesitantly touches Squeak while saying...) Come on, Squeak! Help me out here - GET OFF!! (pause for a few seconds) OH NO!! (Queen does whole body shake) I can see his...
#1: His what???
Queen: Just HELP ME! (Not knowing what else to do, begins running at Squeak)
#1: Ok, good! They aren't HUMPING anymore!!
Queen: Well GRAB Noodles!! Squeak, stay there!! Leave her ALONE!!
#1: I don't want to touch Noodles - she was just HUMPED!!
Queen: Suck it up - take her upstairs. NOW!
Queen: Man up, #1! Do you want him to do that to her again?? I! DO! NOT! WANT! MORE! KITTENS!!
#1: Why not?
Queen: Just take Noodles upstairs! (While glaring at #1 for even asking that question)
Cats are separated by my bedroom door. Things finally quiet down.
#2: (Ten minutes later, she's been totally silent. While eating Fruity Pebbles...) Mom, what's HUMPING??