To Whom it May Concern...

...I don't really care if you don't want to get up at 6:00 am. Neither do I. But you have to get up so I have 8 hours to look for my sanity, without your help for school.

...it isn't my problem you don't have clean clothes. Maybe you should have put them in the hamper every day - rather than dumping them on me all at once. Oh yeah - the hamper is that huge thing by your bedroom door...right next to the pile of clothes you've accumulated on the floor. You know, that thing you use as a weapon against your brother and sister.

...you'll get me to wash your clothes if you ask me before 10 pm.

...no, I'm not going to let you have a girl sleep over. You haven't been that successful at taking all my sense.

...yes, I do get "pissy" when the police show up at 10:30 pm because the neighbor called after they heard you yell at your sister, "I'm going to throw you down the stairs and kill you!!". And she's screaming in a pitch that's close to something only neighbors dogs can hear.

...I also get "pissy" when you use the word "pissy".

...I hate riding the city bus.

...I get a bit irritated when, 2 weeks into school, you call to tell me you'll be home late because you have detention.

...you gave me every gray hair I have on my head - so stop singing that stupid song you guys made up. ("Secret Gray Haired Girl" sung to what I've now decided is also a stupid song "Secret Agent Man".)

...you can give me all the dirty looks you want for taking 17 items in the 15 item lane at the grocery store. I just want to get out of there before my 'beasts do damage I can't pay for.

...I'm not amused when we get home from the store and I discover 5 things I didn't purchase at the store - but you threw in the cart behind my back. Especially when I had to put my Midol back because I didn't have enough money to cover the total.

...you'll feel the same way when you discover why I was buying the Midol.

...it isn't charming when you go up to random strangers and tell them I'm single and need a date.

...it really isn't charming when you choose to do this when I haven't showered, we walked to the store in 90* heat, and the guy is:

~ so obviously not into hygeine.

~ has a wedding ring the size of Maldives.

~ is already with a woman.

...it's so not funny when you call out, in a crowd of people, "Ok, ok - just please don't beat me again when we get home! I can't take the pain anymore!" - OR - "Mom, if you won't use the whip on me I promise to put my own chains back on and get back into the closet myself!".

...I also don't care for the game, Intercom Mom. (Don't know what that is? It's one of the hottest games my kids love to play - and the rules are simple. The store must be busy - and mom must be frazzled. You nonchalantly make your way away from said mother...then beat feet to the customer service desk. Then you tell the person working that you think your mom left you at the store - and could they please page your mom?? Yeah. I love that game.)

...finding out you're a well-known "comp doctor", after you left me hanging with my pain situation, annoys me.

...no, I don't think I'm the only mother in the universe who gets upset when you spend the night at your friend's house - and come home with bright green hair. And a nose ring. And some additional new "colorful" words to add to your already "colorful" vocabulary.

...having your dean call me - in the middle of an appointment with "comp doctor" - to let me know you skipped a class, will put me on edge. Telling the dean I don't "do anything" and am just at home, not answering so the dean should continue calling back until he gets an answer, isn't exactly on my list of great ideas, either.

...then again, the dean deciding it's ok to continue hitting redial until I answer, gives me serious cause for concern regarding our educational system.

...I'm sorry you think I'm acting "uppity" because I was irritated you called some 800 number to get a "free" Bible from the Mormons - and now they won't stop calling/coming over - and you want me to handle it, and I won't. You called for the Bible. You can politely tell them you aren't interested. HINT: Agreeing to let them come over for a Bible study this weekend, then planning on just pretending you aren't home when they show up, is not a good way to end their barrage of calls/visits.

...just because I "look" normal doesn't mean my handicap placard hanging from the rear view mirror is fake. No I'm not interested in discussing my medical condition with you. No you cannot have my dr's phone number. No I don't care if you report me.

...and finally, I don't care about so-and-so's parents letting their kid have co-ed sleepovers/go two states over for a rap concert/not having to go to school/drive - alone - even though they failed the driving test/smoke pot/whatever,.You've already told me I'm "the meanest mom in the world", I'm "totally uncool", and that I was "never a kid so [I] don't understand and never will!!" - and that other thing. You know, the one about the joy I get out of punishing you, the pure glee I feel for not letting you do whatever you want, and the sheer giddiness I have about you (and your attitude) staying home rather than going out with your friends. I actually do sit up at night and come up with ways to make you miserable. (Are you kidding me? I'm almost always useless by 7, praying for bed by 8, and catatonic by 9...and you think I'm still able to come up with ways to wreck your life??)

Wait. Scrap that.

xx,